Acceptable Conduct While Watching “The Big Game”

Whilst watching the big game, thou shall not speak excessively or become overly engaged in activities unrelated to the sports game at hand. Time spent watching sports is to be dedicated primarily to sports.

Terms & Conditions:

• While all occupants of the room may be upset at the most recent screw-up of the home team, you do not necessarily have to make an audible reaction to every play, because chances are, nobody cares what you think.
• Those who choose to only “half pay attention” to the game should leave those who are diehards in peace.
• Complaining about the other team performing well or making spectacular plays shall be prohibited, whereas respecting or acknowledging the talent of the other team is perfectly acceptable.
• If your reaction to what is happening on-screen makes a fellow diehard actually jump, chances are you overreacted, or at least need to tone it down a bit.
• All situations are different — depending on the context of the people present, the place where the game is being watched, as well as the importance of said game, different expectations or codes of conduct may apply. It is up to you to decide how much of your mental and social capacity is to be devoted to sports — never let sports come between you and what is in your best interest.
• Bandwagoners shall not speak.
• Never take talent for granted. Never assume that the receiver will make the catch, or that the free throw is a sure thing; the same holds true for the opposition, assuming the opposition will make the great play just leads to pessimism that no one likes to hear. In order to reduce shock or potentially annoying reactions, expect the unexpected.

Exceptions:

• In some cases, significant others or friends who are unfamiliar with the sport being played are present — these types of situations usually merit extra explanations or commentary on the game.
• When “the game” at hand has nothing to do with the home-team or is relatively unimportant in comparison to other entertainment options available, casual conversations are permitted.
• Sports is one of the major sources of male bonding, and as such, it is important that enough conversation is established to find a happy medium between sports and life outside sports. While building a life around sports is common (and with good reason), when things need to be said, they should be said.

Phone Calls-The Dropped Call

While verbally communicating with another individual via use of a telephone (primarily cell phones) one may expirience the “dropped call”. There are then several avenues one must take after the dropped call-

If other person is a long pauser-

It may be difficult to determine whether the phone connection has been lost, or the other person is simply stalling. Rules of engagement goes as follows:

1. Wait 5 seconds of silence
2. Give a quick “Hello” 3 times
3. Wait another 4 seconds
4. If line is still silent, hang up and retry the call

If other person is a “Long Rambler”

1. Once your phone has lost connection, quickly redial number
2. Announce “My phone lost connection”
3. Return to listening to the “Long Rambler” without interruption

Special Scenarios to the “Dropped Called”

• The individual whose phone was the “dropper” is responsible for the callback as soon as possible. Any delay will confuse the other talker and force him/her to initiate a callback, resulting in duel calls.
• A person driving through a “dead zone” of wireless connectivity is required to make the callback once he is out of said dead zone regardless of the fact he may be entering another, in which case he is responsible for making sure the call recipient is fully aware of the jeopardy the call is in, and its likelyhood of failure.

Calling Shotgun

After leaving a building and while walking towards the car, an occupant-to-be may reserve the front passenger seat by calling out “Shotgun.” Seats in the back of the car may be reserved in the same manner (i.e. “Back right,” etc.), and all passengers must honor and respect the calling of shotgun.

Terms & Conditions:

• Shotgun must be called while outside or in the parking garage as passengers are  walking towards the car, and thus cannot be called far in advance.
• When shotgun is legitimately disputed, the driver or owner of the car has the authority to settle said disputes.
  • If two or more passengers tie when calling shotgun, a race to the car determines who rides shotgun.
• The shotgun passenger acknowledges that they become responsible for the comfort of the vehicle passengers by controlling the radio and climate controls, however, once again, the driver has final say in these matters. Should the shotgun passenger have a particularly horrible taste in music, he/she can be denied shotgun by popular demand the next time a shotgun-calling situation arises.

Exceptions:

• Should the driver’s significant other be present, she shall automatically be granted shotgun no questions asked.
  • Should a significant other be absent, the navigator, if there is one, has priority, however must still call shotgun — the navigator can override shotgun calls of others citing the reason of navigation.
• A driver or owner of the vehicle may void the entire practice of calling shotgun, however he or she must do so well in advance and must make sure that all potential passengers are aware of the absence of shotgun law for the relevant vehicle.

Eating While Watching Sports

No food shall ever be deemed “unhealthy”, “unorthodox”, “bad”, or “spoiled” when in use as human fuel while participating in watching a sports competition with one’s friends.

Exceptions:

• Tofu shall never be eaten.
• The veggie burger shall never be consumed.
• Any food that contains less than 5 grams of fat per serving.

Terms & Conditions:

• Those participating in a sport shall be excluded from the rule, but must return to obedience once the competition is over.

Holiday Shopping Season

The official start of the male shopping season starts on December 20th, as compared to the female season, which opens on the day following Thanksgiving.

Exceptions:

• When the 20th falls on a Sunday, therefore the start of shopping becomes Monday the 21st.
• When targeted gift is released with such hype that it must be bought exceptionally earlier in the morning, therefore the rule “Just get it!” comes into effect, overruling the 20th. [said exception pertains only to said item -- all other gifts must wait until the 20th]
• The significant other drags us into the retail place with them [still nothing is to be purchased until the 20th]
• Shopping season restrictions do not apply if said male is purchasing a new plasma TV or other fancy electronics for himself, which are frequently available for low prices and online shopping following the Thanksgiving holiday.